Letting go...a video performance piece

Letting go...a video by Susan Komer

Letting go is a video I made as one more expression of how I'm dealing with a past of pain and abuse.  In the video I burn a manuscript, my manuscript, that I had written 12 years ago.  The manuscript walks through my story yet I keep this story my own by not using the manuscript directly.  My first thought was to shoot this at night, and then I decided upon the dawn because I thought as I begin a new phase of my own recovery, so to the day was dawning anew.

I opted to write out my thoughts rather than speaking for the same reason I tipped the camera just slightly off angle.  The point was to provide a bit of privacy for myself as well as allowing individuals to connect themselves more personally to the piece.

The only editing was to combine the two videos into one, to fade in the beginning and out the end, as well as providing a title page.

My thoughts on presenting this piece are to present in a classroom type environment.  I feel this is important because it has been through the past two years of my higher education where I've found both the strength and the ability to move beyond a past full of pain and into the life that has been awaiting me to join it.  I also feel that one story, can affect many...hopefully this one will help guide the masses.

The biggest surprise to me...I'm still digesting the scene, the moment, myself.  I had expected to get quite emotional, possibly even enraged by the act.  Instead I found myself empowered and somehow validated by revealing to the world what up until now had been kept secret.  And each time I watch the video I can feel new emotions coming forward, as if each day allows even more growth and less pain.

The most interesting thing I've discovered.  SILENCE...when I first posted the work in progress video blog, I thought there would at least be some kind of response...good or bad...just something.  But it's just like I had told my class...people are so uncomfortable with the topic itself...I don't think they even realize how their silence almost re-victimizes the victim.  Throughout my life I've battled that negative social silence, feeling even more and more silenced by it.  At this point the silence doesn't disturb me...but my curiosity about why does.

In the future I'd like to further experiment with that silence in different ways to see if I might be able to somehow break through it...as I refuse to be a social outcast any longer for an issue I was not responsible for.  If anyone should feel shame...let it be the abuser/abusers...not the survivor.  Hopefully this will be the beginning of breaking down those walls of silence for myself and others who have traveled down this similar path due to no choice of their own.

Farewell advice...

A performance piece:

When the opportunity to do a performance piece came to light, my mind reeled with a million different idea's...so many things, so many issues that I've longed to address...how could I possibly choose!  But that's the best part about being an artist, you can say what you wanna say for as long as you've got the will to put it out there.

So for this piece I decided to focus on a current issue in mine as well as many of my peers lives, a campus transfer; from regional to main campus...yes...this is a pretty big deal for all of us.  For me, I will so miss the community and friends I have here.  There are times when I know without a doubt, that they have been my inspiration.  I'm surrounded by talented artists of all kinds, and we are supported by an outstanding faculty.  Including my instructor, mentor & friend Kate Shannon, who has by far been the one ongoing force behind my growth as an artist.  She has encouraged my work and helped me to find my own passions, I will miss seeing her every day, but I don't think she'll ever be far.

So as you can see, I'm feeling all mushy and I really wanted to have a chance to just one last time tell my peers how I feel and maybe give them a little advice that might help them along the way.  I sat down with a pen and paper and started a list of all of the things I wanted to tell them, things that I'd wished someone had told me so many years ago....I wanted to share my pearls with this extended family of mine...if it was time to let them go, I wanted it to count...to matter.

The filming was easy...sat down and had my say.  The point of it all isn't really about what those pearls were,   its about the fact that I could pour my heart out, and I do...but who's gonna hear it?  Who wants to hear it?  I think a friend of mine had it right when he said, "All they hear is wa...wa...wah....wa...wa...wa..." and that's probably true. I remember being their age and thinking....Yeah...yeah...whatever... So though my heart was in the right place, I do understand.

But all of this got me thinking about how often more than not, I'm not heard.  How easily it is for my voice to be lost in crowd, ignored or overlooked...how for so many years my voice was not my own.  I thought it was interesting to see myself talking without the sound...to wonder how many conversations I've had where I'd swear it was just me being animated with no sound.  Sure, she's nice to have around, but where's that damned mute button...

I wonder who will hear me now...