Day 31: 365 self-portraits by Susan Komer "My little buddy"

Day 31: 365 self-portraits by Susan Komer "My little buddy"

January 31, 2013

"My little buddy"...Dozer is our little rescue pup.  We aren't sure how old he is...his teeth have been so damaged along with everything else, that the vets can't really tell us his age...we're guessing he's about 5 but the gray in his face makes me think he's a bit older.  This little guy was left for dead...tied to a tree and abused to the point his little feet pads looked melted off.  Once rescued, a puppy mill got their hands on him making his situation even worse!  He could not breed because of prior abuse but they sure did try...the little guy was just in awful shape when I responded to the ad to 'adopt a rescue' when in truth...they just wanted their money back!  My husband sat in shock as I wrote the check to buy this miserable looking little guy...he couldn't believe I'd pay money for an animal that looked half gone already.  But in my mind...I just couldn't leave him there...NO WAY!  I wrote the check without thinking twice and got him to the vet ASAP...we've had him now for just over 2 years and he's the best little buddy ever! I love puppies as much as the next guy/gal...but there are pups out there like Dozer, who didn't even have a name when we found him...but he has been so loving, so attached & committed to every member of my family and friendly to every person he meets...he didn't deserve that awful start to life...and we've done our best to help him forget...or at least to know that life can be good and he does deserve all the kisses and cuddles in the world!

 

Letting go...a video performance piece

Letting go...a video by Susan Komer

Letting go is a video I made as one more expression of how I'm dealing with a past of pain and abuse.  In the video I burn a manuscript, my manuscript, that I had written 12 years ago.  The manuscript walks through my story yet I keep this story my own by not using the manuscript directly.  My first thought was to shoot this at night, and then I decided upon the dawn because I thought as I begin a new phase of my own recovery, so to the day was dawning anew.

I opted to write out my thoughts rather than speaking for the same reason I tipped the camera just slightly off angle.  The point was to provide a bit of privacy for myself as well as allowing individuals to connect themselves more personally to the piece.

The only editing was to combine the two videos into one, to fade in the beginning and out the end, as well as providing a title page.

My thoughts on presenting this piece are to present in a classroom type environment.  I feel this is important because it has been through the past two years of my higher education where I've found both the strength and the ability to move beyond a past full of pain and into the life that has been awaiting me to join it.  I also feel that one story, can affect many...hopefully this one will help guide the masses.

The biggest surprise to me...I'm still digesting the scene, the moment, myself.  I had expected to get quite emotional, possibly even enraged by the act.  Instead I found myself empowered and somehow validated by revealing to the world what up until now had been kept secret.  And each time I watch the video I can feel new emotions coming forward, as if each day allows even more growth and less pain.

The most interesting thing I've discovered.  SILENCE...when I first posted the work in progress video blog, I thought there would at least be some kind of response...good or bad...just something.  But it's just like I had told my class...people are so uncomfortable with the topic itself...I don't think they even realize how their silence almost re-victimizes the victim.  Throughout my life I've battled that negative social silence, feeling even more and more silenced by it.  At this point the silence doesn't disturb me...but my curiosity about why does.

In the future I'd like to further experiment with that silence in different ways to see if I might be able to somehow break through it...as I refuse to be a social outcast any longer for an issue I was not responsible for.  If anyone should feel shame...let it be the abuser/abusers...not the survivor.  Hopefully this will be the beginning of breaking down those walls of silence for myself and others who have traveled down this similar path due to no choice of their own.

...from the bottom of a wine glass...a film by Susan Komer

This video is an exploration into the mixed emotions of growing up in an abusive home plagued by alcoholism.  I chose to shoot through a glass of wine to show not just the past, but my own present.  It seems as when life becomes heavy, many old doubts begin to rear their ugly heads and sadness penetrates my being...I feel the hurt creeping over my body like a spider overtaking its prey, as old skeletons begin to escape the confines of the closet....  I reach for that glass of wine, knowing it won't kill the pain... yet hoping it will at least take the sting off it.

The image of the spinning yard is also my now.  As my mind spins into a fog of memories too painful to remember, I search out simple relics from my life to grasp onto for even the slightest glimmer of hope.  Each image used is an object that for me holds both painful and pleasant memories.  The rotation of the yard is a reflection of me yet again spinning out, spinning down....the rotation of each object shows a repetitive memory that haunts me over and over...a time when a simple joy had caused chaos...

The background sound has been toned way down...the actual sound is rain on a skylight.  I felt rain was appropriate, as gray skies & rainy days tend to bring me down.  But as I played with the sound yet another memory came to mind...the sound of a record at its end...an empty drumming silence that runs circles as it waits for someone to remove the arm, what an appropriate connection to tie the entire piece together.

I felt it was important to express the constancy that accompanies a childhood of abuse.  I have been free from that life for some time...but the pain circles back, the sweet becomes bitter, the adult once again becomes a child....from the bottom of a wine glass.