Final Project Work in Progress

Letting Go...

So this is the video I shot for my work in progress.  I've done some minor editing so far, yet still need to work up my artists statement.

I found this project extremely enlightening...I had expected to have such a different response from the act of burning the manuscript.  I had thought I would be overly emotional and upset over the memories this one object carries for me.  What I found was that I wasn't really emotional at all...perhaps a little angry...but the act itself was so empowering and validating.  I'm still taking it all in...

Here's a peek of the video...when I post my final I'll include an appropriate artists statement to accompany the work...until then...I would appreciate any feedback on what I have....thanks:)

annoyed with a delay....

Sorry everyone...this video project of mine is causing me grief.  The darn thing is taking or hopefully by now, was taking an excessively long time.  I had to leave before the export was complete with a note on my space not to touch the friggen computer!  YIKES!  Of course I have copies of the work...but I'll have to start this entire process over and that would pretty much bum me out...so a call out to my classmates....keep watch if you are there...PLEASE...I'll be in first thing in the morning...with a hope & a prayer...perhaps all will be just fine:)

But...I was a bit surprised by my classmates responses today for the unedited versions critique.  How wonderful to have a much more open forum from my peers, I know the subject matter is difficult, but they've been listening and I appreciate their open input today...thanks all:)

So...tomorrow...hell or high water...the video will be up in a 'work in progress' phase...please keep checking back as I value all of the insight and encouragement I can get:)

...bouncing some thoughts

Oh my...oh my...

Life...what a twist it has thrown me at such an odd time.  A moment...one moment when my 13 year old daughter defended herself against a sexual assault.  Being the victim of sexual abuse and assault, I find myself both proud of the fact that my daughter kicked this much larger boys ass in front of everyone....to mortified that she had to defend herself...her body, at the age of 13.  I now understand what her twin has been suffering through...trying to defend her against a group of boys he knew were up to no good.  Taking the abuse in stride just to spare his sister.  I'm obviously speechless about the complete lack of interest from the school...but rather the change in my daughter since the incident several days ago.

So many people think that calling the sheriff and reporting it to the school should be enough.  Trust me, the first thing I think as a survivor is...am I being hyper-sensitive to this...in this case...absolutely not.  But it's still a list...a list of things to check off...to be sure of...and I am.  Now to protect her...from a boy in my neighborhood...a boy who knows where we live and can walk to our residence...I step up...we'll move...I'll home school...whatever it takes to escape this 14 year old boy.

I'm pissed...just simply pissed...Scared for her...and for me....which just pisses me off more.

I just want to be able to make it as an artist.  I wanna be able to take my kids and get the hell out of this stagnant cesspool of an existence and show them the world...the real world.  I'd love to photograph them experiencing other cultures...learning life by living it...MONEY...friggen MONEY!

Show me the way...and I will go...

...a potential video idea for my final

I'm turning over several ideas for my final project, though none have sparked that special something that is needed to push it beyond just an idea....any artist out there can tell you...that's almost a sure death to an idea.

The strongest thoughts I'm having are about an expression of growth.  Over this past year I've dealt with many personal issues...things that have made many uncomfortable, while annoying the shit out of others...In reflection, even that shows growth.

Here are my thoughts thus far:

A clip of me bouncing on a trampoline as a looping scene...similar to the spinning yard yet less obvious. In the foreground of this scene a fire, me, a copy of my manuscript...perhaps a glass of wine...as I burn the pages of the manuscript I'd like to address specific areas of the text with something...maybe old photographs, or video clips I have...I'm not sure how to add these though without distracting too much from the point...perhaps I could actually use text,...words that drift up from the flames... though old photographs feel more along the right path.

It's a letting go of sorts...a moving beyond into this new life I've been working towards.

I'd love to have some feedback on a couple of things.

1.  Should the trampoline scene just be voided out all together...perhaps just very ghostly in the background?

2.  Words from the flames?  Old photographs?

3.  Sound?  I'm thinking of just using the natural night sounds...the risk...traffic or loud noises could potentially interrupt the silence though..any thoughts or suggestions on this?

As far as exhibiting it...I'd really like it to just be shown on a pull down screen...set the scene of classroom...perhaps a desk in front of the screen.  My formal education has played a HUGE part in my growth over the past two years so I want this to be an expression of that education just by the setting it's viewed....my personal growth to be viewed.

As with most of my projects...they are always subject to change...but as I began my brainstorming for this blog...this latest idea is beginning to take shape...feel free to bounce your thoughts with me as there is nothing better to get the creative process flowing:)

...a life changing day

May 17th, 5:45 p.m.

I arrived at the Honors Convocation right as people had begun gathering around the inner atrium to socialize and sip on punch.  Here I come in my Steven Tyler striped pants and converse; the hubby, my dad, and 3 of my 4 children in tow. (that's right you stinker, you missed something big!)  I had no idea what an Honors Convocation was, but I knew I should be there as it involved some pretty important people on campus; and potentially...an award.

approx. 6:15 p.m.

The banquet begins and my curiosity has grown to an anxious feeling, just knowing I truly am about to receive an award has my stomach spinning with anticipation.  As an artist, its so important to have people know your name, receiving the book award for The Arts, Music & Theater departments is a pretty good way to do that.  The 3 photography books I received with my award announcement inside, will also now be in our campus library, my name within the front cover.  Not to mention the fact that this award now immortalizes my time spent at OSU Mansfield: a time of true personal growth, a time of true artistic growth.

approx 6:30 p.m.

Kate & I take the stage.  I follow her to the podium feeling as if my mind has completely disconnected itself from my body.  As Kate begins her speech, I hear the words flowing from her beaming face and the reality of what's really happening hits me...this is really happening.  This strong, intelligent, ambitious, phenomenal woman who had inspired me with her speech on my very first day of classes...was now standing before me...honoring me!  Don't get me wrong, the prestige of the award is amazing!  But having your mentor validate not just your accomplishments as an artist but also as a person, is far beyond any measure of prestige.

Me & Kate Shannon, Associate Professor OSU Mansfield

9:30 p.m.

The kids are in bed, the excitement has eased down, a glass of wine set next to the computer and I'm killing time; worrying over my 72 year old father who is only an hour into his two and half hour drive home. Shawn was in charge of the camera all night so I thought I'd upload the images and sort through them.  As I begin picking out the blurred, dark and bizarre...too funny....I stop being a critical photographer and start looking at the actual faces and the moments I'm so glad he'd captured. 

A long time ago, I stood up and made the choice to become a Mom.  To me that meant a complete dedication to them, and that's what I did. I wish I knew then what I know now.  I've held onto this dream for so many years I've lost count, 7th grade art class was when I knew for certain that I had to do art. These captured moments were a reflection of that dream.  I thought back over the years and how many times I had  reminded myself to never let go, never give up. I worked my art like most domestic engineers, by throwing myself into random projects to the point you have to give them away as gifts; then being forced to domesticate your art by calling it a craft so people actually want it as a gift!

As I saw myself in the images, I realized that this was way bigger than an award...it was in honor of my dream, in honor of my dedication and vision, a complete validation that my dream is worth having.  The moment of awareness is too much for words.  As the tears began to flow I thought back to my first quarter women's studies class and felt an awesome sense of power.  I never realized my own strength, or the power of my own passion until that moment.  Into the silence of my home I shouted out to all of the women who had forged ahead before me, carving the path...."I fucking did it!  I'm fucking doing it!"  Because I too am now a part of the women's movement, or should I say I am now able to say I can walk the walk and be an example for other strong women to continue to believe in the importance their own dreams, in their own voices.

May 18th, 12:30 a.m.

The text arrives from my dad...he's home safe and I'm back in the reality of the silence of my family room.  I need to get to bed: work in the gallery 10-6, President Gee at 3:30 in the gallery to talk art, 4:30-6 work the gallery as entertainment for the big Bow Tie reception.  A schedule, a plan...don't think about the magnitude of the occasion...just be yourself.

9:45 a.m.

Sitting in the writing lab researching a documentary titled "Tapestries of Hope"...a documentary about the violence against women & girls in Zimbabwe.  My blood begins to boil every time I even begin to think of this issue and as I peruse the available information, I feel my strong feminist spirit come alive.  As my mind begins to spin with the possibilities of getting involved, getting my university involved, I see Kate heading to the gallery and immediately feel the need to share this passion with her.  

Kate on the other hand has a task at hand, she realizes the gravity of the day while I ramble obliviously on about the need for us to get involved with this program. The importance of making people aware of the inhumanity occurring across the ocean...once again detaching myself from the reality of my own situation.

12:00 p.m.

A free luncheon to meet President Gee, Kate covers the gallery for an hour so that I can go check things out.  Never having even seen this man in person, I felt an overwhelming need to go catch a peek of the Buckeye icon all this hype was about.  Outside the student union, where the luncheon was being held; I had bumped into Harry, a fellow classmate I've grown to respect, shooting a film with the Buckeye Ambassadors.  Within this group, a young woman whose connection to me is a painful time for both of us.  We often bump into each other on campus, as she is also driven to go beyond and be recognized, so we sort of run in some of the same circles.

Each time I see her, there is this look of anxiety in her eyes that I can feel in my stomach. Each time, I see her a bit differently, more as a young woman who has this weight she should not have, and I am the cause of it.  So I spoke to her, kindly.  Realizing how easy it was to see how she has grown and that she too wanted to let go of that pain...I began to see her for the girl I knew when we were all a family, and the beauty she is capable of.  We shared in our mistakes and both suffered for it....but she has something there and she's figuring it all out...its better I be a positive example of moving beyond our regrets, making amends with our mistakes and being able to enjoy and encourage each others success.  So I extended that branch, and discovered I had also set myself free.

Feeling pretty content with myself, I sat down with some friends to nibble wings and wait for President Gee's appearance.  When he entered the room there was a force of exhilaration through out the crowd.  Such a small figure, yet such a dominant presence, very much like myself.  He was loved by everyone, and his actions were explanation enough.  I sat back and watched him interact with the room, so personable, so real.  The voice in my head, "Alright Susie, this is a man you can be yourself with."  And rather than battle the masses to shake his hand, I walked back to the gallery to wait my turn in great anticipation.

3:15 p.m.

John, Kate and myself all stand in the gallery awaiting the arrival of a few of my classmates who have also been invited to meet with President Gee for this opportunity to discuss art.  Word comes in that Gee is running a bit behind schedule, you can feel the buzz of electricity in the room at the mere mention of his arrival.  As the crowd around me jitters with nervous energy I go within my own head.  Calming myself, reminding myself that this infamous man is just that...a man....be yourself...be yourself...be yourself...you've earned this, you deserve this...he's just a man.

There he is, President Gee.  I patiently wait my chance to interact.  He speaks to other artists first as we approach their work in the gallery.  As we move deeper within the gallery I notice he has gravitated towards a large avocado sculpture I had in the show.  As he walked around my piece, displayed on the floor as a sliced in half replica of an avocado he says, "I have just the place for this in my home."  Without any motive, I said, "Really, well you can have it."  There is no way I could have known where that simple gesture would take me.  With great pleasure he hugged and thanked me, also inviting me to bring my piece to him and view his personal art collection which just happens to contain a Picasso!

California Dreamin' the piece I gave to President Gee directly upon its completion.

Completely blew me away that I would be able to see in person this man's home and art collection, it wasn't until later that I realized the importance of that one act of kindness.  My work is now part of that very collection!  I have been invited to the home of the most powerful man on campus, and the only thing I did to receive this great honor is to be myself.  The act of giving that to him was completely off the top of my head. As an artist I was just grateful to have my work acknowledged, the ramifications of my actions have exceeded any expectations I could have conjured in my own head.

Word spread quickly throughout the crowd of reception attendee's.  The gallery, the crowd, became a buzz of energy as the news circulated about this avocado that was given to President Gee.  My name, Susan Komer, became the talk of the evening; I was truly in my element, I truly am an artist.

All of these events occurred within a 24 hour time span.  I have worked hard, I have been fully committed to my goal of becoming a professional artist for more than half of my lifetime.  I think this story goes to show how quickly things can change; how quickly, when we least expect it, we truly are capable of making our dreams come true.

   

Farewell advice...

A performance piece:

When the opportunity to do a performance piece came to light, my mind reeled with a million different idea's...so many things, so many issues that I've longed to address...how could I possibly choose!  But that's the best part about being an artist, you can say what you wanna say for as long as you've got the will to put it out there.

So for this piece I decided to focus on a current issue in mine as well as many of my peers lives, a campus transfer; from regional to main campus...yes...this is a pretty big deal for all of us.  For me, I will so miss the community and friends I have here.  There are times when I know without a doubt, that they have been my inspiration.  I'm surrounded by talented artists of all kinds, and we are supported by an outstanding faculty.  Including my instructor, mentor & friend Kate Shannon, who has by far been the one ongoing force behind my growth as an artist.  She has encouraged my work and helped me to find my own passions, I will miss seeing her every day, but I don't think she'll ever be far.

So as you can see, I'm feeling all mushy and I really wanted to have a chance to just one last time tell my peers how I feel and maybe give them a little advice that might help them along the way.  I sat down with a pen and paper and started a list of all of the things I wanted to tell them, things that I'd wished someone had told me so many years ago....I wanted to share my pearls with this extended family of mine...if it was time to let them go, I wanted it to count...to matter.

The filming was easy...sat down and had my say.  The point of it all isn't really about what those pearls were,   its about the fact that I could pour my heart out, and I do...but who's gonna hear it?  Who wants to hear it?  I think a friend of mine had it right when he said, "All they hear is wa...wa...wah....wa...wa...wa..." and that's probably true. I remember being their age and thinking....Yeah...yeah...whatever... So though my heart was in the right place, I do understand.

But all of this got me thinking about how often more than not, I'm not heard.  How easily it is for my voice to be lost in crowd, ignored or overlooked...how for so many years my voice was not my own.  I thought it was interesting to see myself talking without the sound...to wonder how many conversations I've had where I'd swear it was just me being animated with no sound.  Sure, she's nice to have around, but where's that damned mute button...

I wonder who will hear me now...

Upcoming performance piece thoughts....

For our upcoming assignment, we're going to do a performance piece and document through either video or photography.  My mind is still turning over idea's...but I haven't quite nailed down anything solid.

I'm thinking I'd like to express the truth behind how I feel about my 'domestic' duties that have up until recently monopolized my life and after 22 years also created a lot of pent up resentment...especially now that I'm not home to complete these tasks but am still expected to by my family.

Is this my for sure project...totally unsure...usually as things start moving they change...

I may either 'react' on film to these duties, or perhaps dramatize a particular moment on film...though I may end up just document moments with photographs and create a short film from the stills.  This project has so many possibilities, though I do believe I'd most like to make a statement about the domestic rituals of a women that for some, drain the life right out of them.

...from the bottom of a wine glass...a film by Susan Komer

This video is an exploration into the mixed emotions of growing up in an abusive home plagued by alcoholism.  I chose to shoot through a glass of wine to show not just the past, but my own present.  It seems as when life becomes heavy, many old doubts begin to rear their ugly heads and sadness penetrates my being...I feel the hurt creeping over my body like a spider overtaking its prey, as old skeletons begin to escape the confines of the closet....  I reach for that glass of wine, knowing it won't kill the pain... yet hoping it will at least take the sting off it.

The image of the spinning yard is also my now.  As my mind spins into a fog of memories too painful to remember, I search out simple relics from my life to grasp onto for even the slightest glimmer of hope.  Each image used is an object that for me holds both painful and pleasant memories.  The rotation of the yard is a reflection of me yet again spinning out, spinning down....the rotation of each object shows a repetitive memory that haunts me over and over...a time when a simple joy had caused chaos...

The background sound has been toned way down...the actual sound is rain on a skylight.  I felt rain was appropriate, as gray skies & rainy days tend to bring me down.  But as I played with the sound yet another memory came to mind...the sound of a record at its end...an empty drumming silence that runs circles as it waits for someone to remove the arm, what an appropriate connection to tie the entire piece together.

I felt it was important to express the constancy that accompanies a childhood of abuse.  I have been free from that life for some time...but the pain circles back, the sweet becomes bitter, the adult once again becomes a child....from the bottom of a wine glass.

The over-sized Avocado Sculpture

For my sculpting class we were to take a piece of food that fit into our hand and enlarge it through sculpture.  The following  photos take you through the painting process to the finish product.  I loved this project even though there were times it had given me extreme grief!  In the end...I'm quite satisfied with the finished product.

papier mache over foam that I cut, hot wired, sanded and glued

primed

primed

lighter green under coat

dark green top coat

yellow &light green added

the pit & finishing touches to go

the finished product

one enlarged avocado sculpture

down the drain...

This is just a quick 10 second clip that I plan to use in my upcoming experimental film...sort of a teaser to keep you informed on the work I'm doing:)